My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
