I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Randomize
