Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
