it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
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He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
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He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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