I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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