i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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