mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
