Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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