She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
