She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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