wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
