Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
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