i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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