I can feel you judging me through the phone.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
