Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
