I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
