last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Randomize
