The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
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