i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Randomize
