I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
I did not marry a roomba.
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