Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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