Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Randomize
