I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Who wears a wallet chain?!
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Randomize
