my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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