I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
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