Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
