Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
