I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Randomize
