Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
