go do what you do best...puke behind churches
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
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