Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
