I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
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I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
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And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
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