A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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