I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
