I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Randomize
