i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
