sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
