Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
