Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
