oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
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