Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
