fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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