So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
She told me I should be a condom model.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
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