I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I came so hard my ears popped.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize
