so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Randomize
