oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
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