I'm gonna have a badass scar
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
