I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Can you bring me the toilet please
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
