I accidentally had phone sex last night
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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