A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
