If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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