my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
