Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
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I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
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You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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