My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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