I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
