I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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