i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
