remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
My feet surprised me
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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