So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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