Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
