My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
