that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I skipped work to stalk him.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Randomize
