They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
