shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
